It's hard not to know who Mary Sue is. She's the perfect girl. Smarter than Hermione, wittier than Leia, kinder than Mother
Theresa, prettier than Galadriel, a Jedi even better than Yoda, a space pilot with more skillz than Scotty, and more powers
than Rogue and Phoenix put together. Yet, Mary Sue is a very diverse sort of gal. She's no seen-one-seen-em-all species. In
this section, we will identify different Mary Sues in their wild habitats. Crikey!
This is the quintessential Mary Sue. Ankle-length blond/red hair? Check. Gigantic, unusual-colored eyes? Check. Perfect body
with "curves in the right places"? Check. Tragic past? Check. Canon love interest? Check. This one's most commonly found in
Lord of the Rings as an elf falling for the handsome Orlando Bl--I mean Legolas. Classic Sue's personality is vague or nonexistant;
her main purpose is to have sex with the main hottie and then die tragically for him. Window dressing, really.
This is the most infamous Sue of them all. She enters the fandom from the modern US or UK, most often because she's the Chosen
One(TM) and it is her Destiny(TM) to set things right once more. While fulfilling her Destiny, Invader Sue teaches the canon
characters things from her world, mostly Linkin Park or Evanescence songs and Truth or Dare. This causes much hilarity and
pop culture references. Invader Sue makes her habitat most often in Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter,
and Pirates of the Caribbean. Avoid like the plague!
Misery Sue is foisted upon our beloved canon characters as the hostess of the pity party. She is easily identified by her
copious amounts of pseudo-goth attire, Tammy Faye Bakker-esque application of eye makeup, and permanent scowl. Unfortunately,
the hottie of her choice doesn't "understand", resulting in a rendition of a My Chemical Romance song. Scientists have found
that she tends to live in areas where Zoloft does not exist or is inaccessible; they have not found a correlation between
this and her behavior. She favors Lord of the Rings the most as a habitat. To ward her off, take Prozac and stay far, far
This is a curious species, indeed. Warrior Sue is every inch the lady in front of her very un-feminist father, but once she's
in the sack or on the battlefield, she's about as feminine as Arnold Schwartzenagger. Yet, her long, flowing hair is never
out of place, her armor always shows her "assets", and all her enemies are nice enough not to injure her face or remove any
limbs. Warrior Sue never gets gangrene, disfiguring or disabling injuries, or a non-sexy nurse to tend to her. Warrior Sue
is always beautiful, even when she dies taking an arrow/blaster bolt/18-wheeler/bullet for her true love. But, she does like
a good stiff one, and she's the first to get amusingly drunk. Her drunkenness almost always brings her to bed with the hottie
of her choice. Warrior Sue is a big fan of any war-torn area with good bars and societies that repress women. Lord of the
Rings, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Final Fantasy are all popular locales.
Invader Sue was the most notorious, but Jesus Sue is the most dangerous of all Sues. Jesus Sue is most often quite similar
to Invader Sue, but without the allusions to the modern world. Like her namesake, Jesus Sue is all-powerful (sometimes she
is a goddess), benevolent, beautiful, and speaks with a pretty, echo-y voice. She usually hangs around in the sky or whatever
for thousands of years until the time for REDEMPTION(TM) comes and she swoops down to save the day and make little demi-gods
with the hottie of her choice. If she doesn't get with anyone, it's because she's too pure or the wise canon character will
be too busy yammering about how she's "fulfilled the prophecy" for her to get any. Surprisingly, Jesus Sue is limited to mostly
Lord of the Rings. Must be because of all them unbelievers.
Plot? What Plot? Sue
This Sue is a very annoying specimen. In a Star Wars fic starring the PWP Sue, one might see Queen Imnotamidala romancing
Hayden Chri--I mean Anakin. Alternatively, Aneka Cloudrunner is the Padawan of Ewan McGreg--sorry, Obi-Wan-- instead of Mr.
Skywalker. Most of the time, this is to easily and cheaply win the heart of the main hottie by any means, even if it entails
completely departing from essential parts of canon.
Ah, the joys of parenthood. Unless of course you've been cursed with this demon child. Offspring Sue is a more, let's say
Appalachian approach to snagging a man. Elrond will wind up with gorgeous, wonderful spawn with unpronounceable nomenclature
and decide she's the girl for him. Ew. Can also be a mini power trip if Mom or Dad is a deity or superhero. Want to be uber-rich
and have leet ninja skillz? Let Christian Ba--Batman be your daddy! Offspring Sue is everywhere where reproducing humans can
Half & Half Sue
Half & Half Sue is like a sphynx in some ways, except that she doesn't eat men or have a lion for a lower body. Daddy's a
mere mortal, but he's the king of Hotzenphlotz. Mom's a beautiful, immortal creature who rules over something else. Put them
together to make a half-immortal, half-goddess, all-princess girl. Half & Half Sue could be a subspecies of Offspring Sue
and/or Jesus Sue, and subsequently, she often coexists with them.
That's all for now, folks! There will be more to come!